Signs You Were Raised in South Texas

With just a few words, we can find out whether you are a South Texan:

You say “yes, ma’am” and “no, ma’am” and “you all”.
You believe it’s important to be raised right.
You fry with Crisco and use cilantro peppers.
You make your chicken salad with Hellman’s.
You took childhood rides in the back of a pickup truck.
You ask “Would it be tacky to wear shorts to [any occasion]?”
You serve barbecue or Krispy Kreme doughnuts at [any occasion].
You think it’s a great idea to wear hats during [any occasion].
You understand and respect the power of Aqua Net hairspray.
You own airbrushed T-shirts or car tags from a souvenir shop on South Padre.
You are personally acquainted with the people whose names were illegally painted on a town water tower.
You know only two kinds of people, beach or hill country.
You think the best wine comes from the hill country.

Lingo: you use these words in conversation

Fixin’ to
Howdy
Icebox
Uh Huh
This ain’t my first rodeo
Packing
Ain’t
Come on down
Git-R-Done
Dang

Bonus: You have been to south padre island for spring break more than once.

More Texas sayings from Texas Monthly Magazine

Acceptable

It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
That’s close enough for government work.
Might as well. Can’t dance, never could sing, and it’s too wet to plow.
I could sit still for that.
You can’t beat that with a stick.

Boastful

He can strut sitting down.
He’s all hat and no cattle.
She’s all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber-of-commerced it.

Dishonest

He’s on a first-name basis with the bottom of the deck.
There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.
So crooked that if he swallowed a nail he’d spit up a corkscrew.
So crooked you can’t tell from his tracks if he’s coming or going.
He knows more ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.
Crooked as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.
So crooked he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She’s more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He’s slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn’t trust him any farther than I can throw him.

Honest

If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.
You can take that to the bank.
You can hang your hat on it.
You can bet the farm on it.
He’s so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.

Brave

Brave as the first man who ate an oyster.
Brave as a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
He’s double-backboned.
He’s got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
He’d shoot craps with the devil himself.
She’d charge hell with a bucket of ice water.

Argumentative, Mad

She could start a fight in an empty house.
He’d argue with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a chunk under it.
He’s the only hell his mama ever raised.
He’s got his tail up.
She’s in a horn-tossing mood.
She’s so contrary she floats up-stream.
She’s dancing in the hog trough.
He’ll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.

Timid

He stays in the shadow of his mama’s apron.
If he was melted down, he couldn’t be poured into a fight.
He’s first cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn’t bite a biscuit.
He’s yellow as mustard but without the bite.
He may not be a chicken, but he has his henhouse ways.

Dry

So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the Baptists are sprinkling, the Methodists are spitting, and the Catholics are giving rain checks.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
It’s been dry so long, we only got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah’s Flood.
So dry I’m spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.

Busy

He’s so busy you’d think he was twins.
They’re doing a land-office business.
Busy as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking convention.
Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy as a stump-tailed bull in fly season.
Busy as a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the south forty before breakfast.
Got to get back to my rat killing.
She’s jumping like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting like a lizard on a hot rock.
No grass growing under her feet.

Unsophisticated

Just fell off the turnip (watermelon, tater) truck.
He’s so country he thinks a seven-course meal is a possum and a six-pack.
They lived so far our in the country that the sun set between their house and town.

Capable, Experienced

She’s got some snap in her garters.
He’s got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
She’s got horse sense.
He’s got plenty of notches on his gun.
She’s a right smart windmill fixer.
He could find a whisper in a whirlwind.
There’s no slack in her rope.
He’s a three-jump cowboy.
He can ride the rough string.
If she crows, the sun is up.
This ain’t my first rodeo.

General Advice

Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.
A worm is the only animal that can’t fall down.
Never sign nothing by neon.
Just because a chicken has wings don’t mean it can fly.
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
You can’t get lard unless you boil the hog.
If you cut your own firewood, it’ll warm you twice.
There’s more than one way to break a dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
Don’t hang your wash on someone else’s line.
Do God’s will, whatever the hell it may be.
Lick that calf again? (Say what?)
Why shear a pig?
Don’t snap my garters.
A guilty fox hunts his own hole.
Quit hollering down the rain.
Don’t rile the wagon master.
Better to keep your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
The barn door’s open and the mule’s trying to run. (Your fly’s down.)
Don’t get all her up about it.
There’s a big difference between the ox and the whiffletree.
There’s no tree but bears some fruit.
Skin your own buffalo.
You better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don’t squat on your spurs.
Any mule’s tail can catch cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a flood.
If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
A lean dog runs fast.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Celebratory

Let’s shoot out the lights.
We’ll paint the town and the front porch.
Let’s hallelujah the county.
Put the little pot in the big pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I’ll be there with bells on.
I’ll wear my Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes.
He’s all gussied up.

Big

Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
Fat as a town dog.
She’s warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don’t care what you call him as long as you call him to supper.
So big he looks like he ate his brother.
So big he has to sit down in shifts.
Big as Brewster County.Big as Dallas.
Big as a Brahma bull.
She’d rather shake than rattle.
He’s big enough to bear hunt with a branch.
He’s all spread out like a cold supper.
Wide as two ax handles.
He’ll eat anything that don’t eat him first.

Cheap

Tight as Dick’s hatband.
Tight as a tick.
Tight as a clothesline.
Tight as a fiddle string.
Tight as wallpaper.
Tight as a wet boot.
Tight enough to raise a blister.
So tight he squeaks when he walks.
He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has short arms and deep pockets.

Crazy

He’s got a big hole in his screen door.
She’s one bubble off plumb.
She’s one brick shy of a load.
She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.
He’s a few pickles short of a barrel.
There’s a light or two burned out on his string.
He’s missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch light’s on but no one’s home.
He’s lost his vertical hold.
He’s overdrawn at the memory bank.
I hear you clucking, but I can’t find your nest.
She’s got too many cobwebs in the attic.
Crazy as a bullbat.

Lucky

They tried to hang him but the rope broke.
He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
He always draws the best bull.
He’s riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit on the fence and the birds would feed him.

Rich

In tall cotton.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn’t come to town two to a mule.
She’s got more than she can say grace over.
So rich they can eat fried chicken all week long.
Rich enough to eat her laying hens.

Poor

If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn’t get to the Oklahoma line.
He’s so broke he’s busted all ten commandments.
Poor as a lizard-eating cat.
Hasn’t got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
So poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I still roll up into a ball when hear a dog bark.
So poor we had to fertilize the sills before we could raise the windows.
Poor as sawmill rats.
He’s broke as a stick horse.
He’s too poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won’t even stop at their door.

Hot

Hot as Hades.
Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot as a two-dollar pistol.
Hot as a two-dollar whore on the Fourth of July.
Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summer revival.
Hot as a pot of neck bones.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a preacher’s knee.
Hotter than a burning stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Cold

This is hog-killing weather.
There’s only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it’s down (after a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger’s knee.
Cold as a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife’s heart.
Cold as a cast-iron commode.
Cold as a banker’s heart.
Cold as hell with the furnace out.

Talkative

She could talk a coon right out of a tree.
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hide off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He’s got a ten-gallon mouth.
She speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty.
Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to death.
He blew in on his own wind.
He’s a live dictionary.
He’s a chin musician.
She has a bell clapper instead of a tongue.

Putdowns

Even a blind hog can find an acorn once in a while.
Anytime you happen to pass my house, I’d sure appreciate it.
What did you do with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
Were you raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Even the chickens under the porch know that.
You smell like you want to be left alone.
Go peddle your own produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If you break your leg, don’t come running to me.
Whatever greases your wagon.

Problem

Got a big hole in the fence.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong wagon.
They hung the wrong horse thief.
He ripped his britches.
There’s a yellowjacket in the outhouse.

Wasting Time

Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the wind.
Hollering down a well.

Vain

He broke his arm patting himself on the back.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’ll bring.
She’s so spoiled salt couldn’t save her.
She’s so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
She’s got more airs than an Episcopalian.

Citified

Raised on concrete.
Doesn’t know a bit from a butt.
You don’t live longer in the city; it just seems that way.

Pretty

So pretty she’d make a man plow through a stump.
She can ride any horse in my string.
She’s built like a brick outhouse.
She’s built like a Coke bottle.
She cleans up real nice.
She has more curves than a barrel of snakes.
She’s all dressed up like a country bride.
I’d rather watch her walk than eat fried chicken.
Pretty as twelve acres of pregnant red hogs.
Pretty as a pie supper.
Cute as a calico kitten on down south.
Cute as a speckled pup under a red wagon.

More at texasmonthly.com/articles/more-colorful-texas-sayings/

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