With just a few words, we can find out whether you are a South Texan:
- You say “yes, ma’am” and “no, ma’am” and “you all”.
- You believe it’s important to be raised right.
- You fry with Crisco and use cilantro peppers.
- You make your chicken salad with Hellman’s.
- You took childhood rides in the back of a pickup truck.
- You ask “Would it be tacky to wear shorts to [any occasion]?”
- You serve barbecue or Krispy Kreme doughnuts at [any occasion].
- You think it’s a great idea to wear hats during [any occasion].
- You understand and respect the power of Aqua Net hairspray.
- You own airbrushed T-shirts or car tags from a souvenir shop on South Padre.
- You are personally acquainted with the people whose names were illegally painted on a town water tower.
- You know only two kinds of people, beach or hill country.
- You think the best wine comes from the hill country.
Lingo: you use these words in conversation
- Fixin’ to
- Howdy
- Icebox
- Uh Huh
- This ain’t my first rodeo
- Packing
- Ain’t
- Come on down
- Git-R-Done
- Dang
Bonus: You have been to south padre island for spring break more than once.
More Texas sayings from Texas Monthly Magazine
Acceptable
- It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
- That’s close enough for government work.
- Might as well. Can’t dance, never could sing, and it’s too wet to plow.
- I could sit still for that.
- You can’t beat that with a stick.
Boastful
- He can strut sitting down.
- He’s all hat and no cattle.
- She’s all gurgle and no guts.
- He chamber-of-commerced it.
Dishonest
- He’s on a first-name basis with the bottom of the deck.
- There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.
- So crooked that if he swallowed a nail he’d spit up a corkscrew.
- So crooked you can’t tell from his tracks if he’s coming or going.
- He knows more ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
- Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.
- Crooked as the Brazos.
- Slicker than a slop jar.
- More twists than a pretzel factory.
- Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.
- So crooked he has to unscrew his britches at night.
- She’s more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
- He’s slicker than a boiled onion.
- I wouldn’t trust him any farther than I can throw him.
Honest
- If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.
- You can take that to the bank.
- You can hang your hat on it.
- You can bet the farm on it.
- He’s so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
- If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.
Brave
- Brave as the first man who ate an oyster.
- Brave as a bigamist.
- Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
- He’s double-backboned.
- He’s got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
- He’d shoot craps with the devil himself.
- She’d charge hell with a bucket of ice water.
Argumentative, Mad
- She could start a fight in an empty house.
- He’d argue with a wooden Indian.
- She raised hell and stuck a chunk under it.
- He’s the only hell his mama ever raised.
- He’s got his tail up.
- She’s in a horn-tossing mood.
- She’s so contrary she floats up-stream.
- She’s dancing in the hog trough.
- He’ll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
- He stays in the shadow of his mama’s apron.
- If he was melted down, he couldn’t be poured into a fight.
- He’s first cousin to Moses Rose.
- He wouldn’t bite a biscuit.
- He’s yellow as mustard but without the bite.
- He may not be a chicken, but he has his henhouse ways.
Dry
- So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
- So dry the Baptists are sprinkling, the Methodists are spitting, and the Catholics are giving rain checks.
- So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
- So dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
- So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
- It’s been dry so long, we only got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah’s Flood.
- So dry I’m spitting cotton.
- Dry as a powder house.
- Dry as the heart of a haystack.
- Drier than a popcorn fart.
Busy
- He’s so busy you’d think he was twins.
- They’re doing a land-office business.
- Busy as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking convention.
- Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
- Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
- Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
- Busy as a stump-tailed bull in fly season.
- Busy as a hound in flea season.
- Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the south forty before breakfast.
- Got to get back to my rat killing.
- She’s jumping like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
- Panting like a lizard on a hot rock.
- No grass growing under her feet.
Unsophisticated
- Just fell off the turnip (watermelon, tater) truck.
- He’s so country he thinks a seven-course meal is a possum and a six-pack.
- They lived so far our in the country that the sun set between their house and town.
Capable, Experienced
- She’s got some snap in her garters.
- He’s got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
- She’s got horse sense.
- He’s got plenty of notches on his gun.
- She’s a right smart windmill fixer.
- He could find a whisper in a whirlwind.
- There’s no slack in her rope.
- He’s a three-jump cowboy.
- He can ride the rough string.
- If she crows, the sun is up.
- This ain’t my first rodeo.
General Advice
- Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.
- A worm is the only animal that can’t fall down.
- Never sign nothing by neon.
- Just because a chicken has wings don’t mean it can fly.
- Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
- You can’t get lard unless you boil the hog.
- If you cut your own firewood, it’ll warm you twice.
- There’s more than one way to break a dog from sucking eggs.
- Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
- Don’t hang your wash on someone else’s line.
- Do God’s will, whatever the hell it may be.
- Lick that calf again? (Say what?)
- Why shear a pig?
- Don’t snap my garters.
- A guilty fox hunts his own hole.
- Quit hollering down the rain.
- Don’t rile the wagon master.
- Better to keep your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
- The barn door’s open and the mule’s trying to run. (Your fly’s down.)
- Don’t get all her up about it.
- There’s a big difference between the ox and the whiffletree.
- There’s no tree but bears some fruit.
- Skin your own buffalo.
- You better throw a sop to the dogs.
- Don’t squat on your spurs.
- Any mule’s tail can catch cockleburs.
- A drought usually ends with a flood.
- If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
- A lean dog runs fast.
- The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Celebratory
- Let’s shoot out the lights.
- We’ll paint the town and the front porch.
- Let’s hallelujah the county.
- Put the little pot in the big pot.
- Throw your hat over the windmill.
- I’ll be there with bells on.
- I’ll wear my Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes.
- He’s all gussied up.
Big
- Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
- Fat as a town dog.
- She’s warm in winter, shady in summer.
- He don’t care what you call him as long as you call him to supper.
- So big he looks like he ate his brother.
- So big he has to sit down in shifts.
- Big as Brewster County.Big as Dallas.
- Big as a Brahma bull.
- She’d rather shake than rattle.
- He’s big enough to bear hunt with a branch.
- He’s all spread out like a cold supper.
- Wide as two ax handles.
- He’ll eat anything that don’t eat him first.
Cheap
- Tight as Dick’s hatband.
- Tight as a tick.
- Tight as a clothesline.
- Tight as a fiddle string.
- Tight as wallpaper.
- Tight as a wet boot.
- Tight enough to raise a blister.
- So tight he squeaks when he walks.
- He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
- She has short arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
- He’s got a big hole in his screen door.
- She’s one bubble off plumb.
- She’s one brick shy of a load.
- She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.
- He’s a few pickles short of a barrel.
- There’s a light or two burned out on his string.
- He’s missing a few buttons off his shirt.
- The porch light’s on but no one’s home.
- He’s lost his vertical hold.
- He’s overdrawn at the memory bank.
- I hear you clucking, but I can’t find your nest.
- She’s got too many cobwebs in the attic.
- Crazy as a bullbat.
Lucky
- They tried to hang him but the rope broke.
- He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
- He always draws the best bull.
- He’s riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
- He could sit on the fence and the birds would feed him.
Rich
- In tall cotton.
- Running with the big dogs.
- He didn’t come to town two to a mule.
- She’s got more than she can say grace over.
- So rich they can eat fried chicken all week long.
- Rich enough to eat her laying hens.
Poor
- If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn’t get to the Oklahoma line.
- He’s so broke he’s busted all ten commandments.
- Poor as a lizard-eating cat.
- Hasn’t got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
- So poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
- I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I still roll up into a ball when hear a dog bark.
- So poor we had to fertilize the sills before we could raise the windows.
- Poor as sawmill rats.
- He’s broke as a stick horse.
- He’s too poor to pay attention.
- So poor the wolf won’t even stop at their door.
Hot
- Hot as Hades.
- Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
- Hot as a depot stove.
- Hot as a two-dollar pistol.
- Hot as a two-dollar whore on the Fourth of July.
- Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch.
- Hot as a summer revival.
- Hot as a pot of neck bones.
- Hot as a stolen tamale.
- Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
- Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
- Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
- Hotter than a preacher’s knee.
- Hotter than a burning stump.
- Hotter than blue blazes.
- Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
- So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Cold
- This is hog-killing weather.
- There’s only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it’s down (after a blizzard).
- Cold as a well-digger’s knee.
- Cold as a frosted frog.
- Cold as an ex-wife’s heart.
- Cold as a cast-iron commode.
- Cold as a banker’s heart.
- Cold as hell with the furnace out.
Talkative
- She could talk a coon right out of a tree.
- He could talk the legs off a chair.
- He could talk the gate off its hinges.
- He could talk the hide off a cow.
- He could talk the ears off a mule.
- He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
- He’s got a ten-gallon mouth.
- She speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty.
- Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
- She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth.
- She beats her own gums to death.
- He blew in on his own wind.
- He’s a live dictionary.
- He’s a chin musician.
- She has a bell clapper instead of a tongue.
Putdowns
- Even a blind hog can find an acorn once in a while.
- Anytime you happen to pass my house, I’d sure appreciate it.
- What did you do with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
- Were you raised in a barn?
- Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
- Even the chickens under the porch know that.
- You smell like you want to be left alone.
- Go peddle your own produce.
- Go cork your pistol.
- If you break your leg, don’t come running to me.
- Whatever greases your wagon.
Problem
- Got a big hole in the fence.
- I got my ox in a ditch.
- He loaded the wrong wagon.
- They hung the wrong horse thief.
- He ripped his britches.
- There’s a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Time
- Preaching to the choir.
- Burning daylight.
- Arguing with a wooden Indian.
- Whistling up the wind.
- Hollering down a well.
Vain
- He broke his arm patting himself on the back.
- He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
- I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’ll bring.
- She’s so spoiled salt couldn’t save her.
- She’s so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
- She’s got more airs than an Episcopalian.
Citified
- Raised on concrete.
- Doesn’t know a bit from a butt.
- You don’t live longer in the city; it just seems that way.
Pretty
- So pretty she’d make a man plow through a stump.
- She can ride any horse in my string.
- She’s built like a brick outhouse.
- She’s built like a Coke bottle.
- She cleans up real nice.
- She has more curves than a barrel of snakes.
- She’s all dressed up like a country bride.
- I’d rather watch her walk than eat fried chicken.
- Pretty as twelve acres of pregnant red hogs.
- Pretty as a pie supper.
- Cute as a calico kitten on down south.
- Cute as a speckled pup under a red wagon.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.